It hurts to realise that you trust another person far more than you should ever have. It hurts to realise that I tore all my defenses down for you, and you battered the part of me that breathed through you like it’s your venting tool.

I remember when I was hanging out with the person-who-happens-to-be-my-friend-whom-you-hate-so-much, and she was challenging certain assumptions that I hold, and I came to a conclusion briefly: Maybe there’s no need to fight for marriage anyway, anymore. Since it appears that most people aren’t looking for it in the first place.

And then I thought of you, and I heard my heart telling itself: But maybe it’s because they have not really experienced love the way that I have had. Because I would die to marry you.

I was angry, but I told myself to trust you to do your own thing when you went clubbing. And now the truth came out, and should it be any comfort to myself, that I just knew it. A part of me just knew it overwhelmingly, but I chose to trust you – Would you have done the same for me? – I never went through your emails nor your MSN conversations, threw temper fits whenever anyone messages you, but maybe I should have done so. But I told myself that if you love someone, you always give them the benefit of the doubt and trust them on automatic.

I feel like a fool, I feel disgusted, I feel vengeful, I feel sad, and I feel sorry steel for all the shit that I put you through – I thought I was trying to protect you. There are so many things to be said, somewhere along the way what we had was betrayed. It’s good to know that I would still be of use to you, yea I know I’m darn good, most patient in the world, so unemotional I make the perfect emotional support for people who are emotional.

Most of all I feel sad, and I’m just letting the tears flow till they’re drained, such is my optimism and my hopeee. I’m sad whenever I think about how we first met, how you turned my world around, how crazy happy we were, Cotswolds, talking about growing old together, the way you used to dote on me, the way I’d show you around the place all the things you’d never have seen, how wholely-accepted you made me feel, how you would be lost in your own world immersed in music, the vision of a future that we could have both shared. Remember how we had our footsteps all over Singapore, you taught a children’s choir in the wild wild west; Remember us standing on escalators, the beach, we went overseas, remember the thrill of being beneath the stars above December the 19th, walking alongside Christmas lights.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve always been far too stubborn for my own good. Mostly I’ve always felt like a Peter Pan (not just from the shortness of height), I guess, like I never really needed to grow up much – Life is still a fairytale, a bed of roses mostly.

I hate myself for being too strong, for too long, for being too God damn optimistic all the time, for never failing to recover, after all the hurt you hurled my way right from the start, and I’d keep going to you. Something always brings me back to you – Fuck. I See You -

I live through your love
You teach me how to see
All that’s beautiful
My senses touch your word I never pictured
Now I give my hope to you
I surrender
I pray in my heart that this world never ends
I see me through your eyes
Living through life flying high

My foot.

And I tell myself that 2010 is the year that I grow up and admonish these childish dreams and hopes.

And I tell myself that I’m withdrawing all my affections, bit by bit, and saving them for someone better.

Other people may screw around, but at least they’re honest about it. I may have messed up and strayed, but I never crossed that line. I never wanted anyone else.

I take these 10 years of my life as one major good lesson. An extended Rite of Passage. I still hope you’ll get someone who treats you like the sun rises and sets with you. And I hope to be an even better person, for the next person who’s going to command me to take that leap of faith just by being there. I will not be afraid, I will not fear and recoil when it happens, because I know that to be brave and courageous is simply to acknowledge that there are things more important than the possibility of getting hurt.

So this is my kind of official announcement. I give up on us. Totally. Completely. And as with all the rest, this will be my last entry on this blog.

I’ll never give you license to break me again, neither will I let you be the sole object of my attention and affection anymore. I rest my case.

刺青
Posted on June 13th, 2007 8:43 am
人為甚麼要有刺青
又為甚ㄇ要有回憶

回憶里血淋淋地刻下了你的樣子
那些顏色像被火車輾過 腥紅得很詭異
燈光迷亂 時間的畫面早有打算
這個故事如此結局早被設計 只是我為何隱隱作痛地執迷 執意把傷痛不厭其煩地複習
標記那在盛夏的光年 顛沛流離的片段
誰劃過誰的天空 只留下灰燼

是不是要讓甚麼印記永遠不會消失
為了永遠記得一個人 一段故事 貪戀那些已經消逝 不再有的溫暖
我跟時間打賭 你會愛上我或者我會孤獨 才發現沒有資本下注
才發現 我只是沉溺
完美詮釋 一場廉價的電影
就連悲傷都很獨角戲 連淚滴都拒絕演出
咬咬牙 更說不出痛楚

狂歡繞著混亂打轉 沒有答案 我把答案汶成了身上的圖案
成長的代價是天真潰爛 腐朽傷口 絕望地失去你的笑容

我在這裡 你在彼岸
中間流動的是我無法跨越的傷
左手年華 右手相伴
我在心臟的位置埋下了一個名字 栽種秘密 直到它枝繁葉茂地讓人窒息
侵蝕青春的記憶 埋伏一場華麗的葬禮 一部分的自己慢慢死去 刺青像長藤爬滿了身軀 在永遠里張牙舞爪地標記你的名字

我的曈中看到了一片星空的落寞
一個沙漠的難過 而你是我的海市蜃樓
沒有你的世界很不一樣 我想像 風呼嘯而過的都席捲我的絕望
這個世界瞬間蒼白 好像不曾存在一樣
我看著鏡子鏡子里的人不斷地說謊 花調謝 一片枯掉的葉 過往沒有信仰
所以死亡都上不了天堂

過往像幽靈一樣蛮怨糾纏命運的框框

這個光怪陸離的城市
選擇紙醉金迷的方式 沉淪 不去想你

當你很自由地選擇了你的方向
我看到了地平線再也沒有太陽
我意氣揚飛地墜落懸捱 讓感情粉身碎骨
直到烙印的傷痕在心裡結網 綑綁了我的心事
你的笑容 閃亮 閃亮 搖晃了所有的方向

我有我的寂寞 偶爾很想能一輩子簽著誰的手
你有你的理由 這就很足夠

只是很偶爾地陪著你走
而你有你的方向 不管我們走得再遠 最後的畫面都只能是再見

一個人的孤單

兩個人的永遠

斷開了兩個世界

在漆黑的夜裡看一場電影
在靜謐的夜裡跑一段路 長長的 遠遠的
我朦朧地清醒又鮮明地夢遊 被思緒拉扯好久好久

我想我的存在不是相守 而是陪伴
其實我又不是不知道 只是為甚ㄇ還會覺得難過呢

醞釀一場逃離
心疼那些甜蜜
在光陰的空隙里想你
刺青的那些記憶 疼痛得很鮮明

多年以後 不管有多少相距別離 悲傷歡喜
多少次相遇 那個藍色大門 再被開啟

我不轉彎我不轉彎

在時光里以一種懷念的姿勢
撫過刺青的記憶 昇華我的不可理喻 遠離愛情 靠近隱形

多少滄桑的想念
沾滿灰塵的愛戀

為這五月天 再添一個句點
人張大了 真的甚麼都變了
且聽風吟 心應該再也沒有力氣跳動了